The Store

I have almost done it. I almost have my store at cafepress ready to go. I am using the paintings that my brother Wayne did. He was such a good artist. I remember asking him why he only wanted to paint wildlife and he just laughed. I mean, how many times do you need to paint a duck? I am so glad that I have a few of his paintings now. I think they are going to make good images for the store. And, as soon as I can figure out how to get them downloaded and sized, I will be ready to launch the store.

The bear is one I fell in love with as soon as I saw it. Wayne's talent was enormous.

Intresting phrase........

I read something in a book I am reading today. It is one of those women’s type books that only read when there is nothing else here that I haven’t read. Anyway, the main character used the expression ‘glamorized sin’ that is shown on television and in the movies. That made me stop and think how things have changed over the years since I was a child.

I remember watching television with my mother and my oldest brother’s wife. It was a soap opera, not sure which one, but I usually didn’t watch them anyway. I had been reading and something my sister-in-law said made me look up from my book at the TV. There on the screen, in full view of God and everyone, a man was laying on his stomach on a couch and a woman was lying on top of him. They were talking, not doing anything else, but, talk about shocked! Remember, we were used to married couples having separate beds, at least on TV.

My sister-in-law was completely shocked, and could not stop talking about it. Now, people say hello and fall into bed. It is ‘cool’ to sleep with someone, because, after all, we are enlightened, right? Sad, sad situation, it is.

Children do not stay children long enough as it is. Boys are swaggering around with clothes barely hanging on, holding their crouches as if they are afraid they are going to lose something, as they brag about all the girls they have slept with. Girls are wearing make-up and dating at and ungodly early age.

I have four children. I have not always made the best choices, and have done some outright stupid things. But, one thing I did do was remember the dumb things I had done, so that when my children became teenagers I was ready for them. They knew that they most likely were not going to get anything passed me, even though they tried. My oldest son did anyway, he always was stubborn. One thing I did not allow them to do was date before they were sixteen. I didn’t think that sixteen was a magic age where as soon as they reached it they would be wise in the ways of the world. I wanted them to be children while they were children. I did not want them growing up too fast and then regretting it when they were really grown. So, I laid down a few rules, so that when they were pressured by their friends, they could let them know what they were allowed and not allowed to do. There were times things were a little tense at home, when they tried to argue me into changing my mind. They never did.

Now, with three of them married, they let me know how much they appreciate what I did, especially now that they have children. They see how fast time truly flies by and they want their children to have the memories of being a child.

There are a lot of stupid things I did over the years, but being strict with my children was not one of them.

To you-know-who-you-are

If anyone is or has been reading this blog, they will know that I am a former Jehovah's Witness. I have a couple of discussion/support boards where we discuss and post information about JWs. I also belong to a few other boards and email groups about JWs. But, I do things in my real life too. Not bragging, just telling you this by way of explanation.

See, there are a couple......four or five.......exJWs who do not like me. Which is fine because I do not like them either. I am on Paltalk a lot and so are they, but I stay out of their rooms and if I go into a room they are in, I place them on ignore. Because, frankly, they have nothing to say that I want to hear. And, I would expect them to do the same......you would think so, huh? But, no, they don't. I will go into a chatroom and shortly afterwards, here comes one or more of them. I was in a silly mood one day and went all over the Christian section, then to Social Issues and finally to Meet New Friends. And, within five or ten minutes the same person came into the room I was in. Can we say childish?

These people have found out about a friend of mine who is transgendered and think it is bothering me to come into a room that I am in and start talking about it. Most of the time I don't see it, because, if I am using my main (blue) nick 'ticatoo' I have them on ignore. And, if I am using my Scrabble nick 'Tequila Mockingbird', then I am not reading text. They do have several nicks though and I have to keep putting each new nick on ignore, but, it is easy to do.

Now, why am I talking about this? Well, I KNOW they read this blog. So, I can tell them what I think here and keep it just ME, not bring friends into it. If I answered them on any of my discussion boards, that would distract from what we are trying to do.

So, here I go......

Dear you-know-who-you-are,

Let me ask you. Is a liar an abomination to God? Is an adulterer? What about a fornicator, or someone who slanders?

Or, do you maybe think that one sin is worse than another? If so, do you also believe there are different degrees of punishments? Or, maybe, levels of hell? Will there be sections for liars, adulterers or fornicators? Will there be one place for the homosexuals and another for fornicators? A thief will be among other thieves? What about someone who covets?

Seems to me that with all the finger pointing, someone is frantically trying to cover their own sins. Maybe you can keep your sins from being noticed, for now. Or, maybe you think your sin is not an abomination. But, you know what? No one is sinless, not one. ALL sin is an abomination.

So, if I am offensive to you, then you have an easy choice to make. Stop obsessively reading the AWOKE! board. Stop stalking me in chatrooms.

And, remember, a lot of people have very good memories. They remember how you have talked about your life and the things you said, not things someone said about you. YOU, my dear, do not have any room to talk about what anyone else is doing.


Now, maybe we can go on to something else. I will anyway. These people do not stop me from doing what I believe that I should be doing. These people have not made any one of my friends stop speaking to me. These people can do and say what they want, because they are such hypocritical twits that I have no respect for them.

Trips and trains and........

I am just as appalled at the attacks on the UK as most of the civilized world. These sorts of attacks have been going on since at least the early 70s. Remember the Olympics? The only difference is that the attacks are increasing in number and severity. Now, instead of just hijacking a cruise ship and throwing one old man in a wheelchair overboard, they are going for mass destruction. Apparently they are using cell phones to detonate bombs or at least coordinate the detonations.

A couple of years ago, my youngest daughter and I went by train from New Orleans to Michigan. The last part of the trip, from Chicago to Ann Arbor, is by coach. The coach we were on was full and it seemed and third person not only had a cell phone, but wanted the world to know it. There was a man and woman sitting across from us who started calling people almost as soon as they sat down. About thirty minutes into the trip I saw a middle eastern looking man take out his phone. I made a silly comment to my daughter….something like, ‘I wonder if he is calling to tell his buds that the time is right’….Then, I forgot about him. Shortly, after that, this man started walking up and down the aisle, which a lot of people do, dialing a number, saying hello, then hanging up and trying it again. I said something to someone about his phone either not working or being out of coverage area, etc. Then, he came back to the man sitting across from me and asked if his phone was working, which was a dumb question because the man had just hung up from probably his tenth call. The middle eastern man said he was having trouble getting through and he needed to make this important call. He asked the other guy if he could use his phone to make the call because if was an extremely important call. He was refused, and went back to his seat. Now, this was probably nothing more than that the man needed to call his mama or something, but, with all that is happening in the world, who knows?

I still will travel and I still will go by trains…….as long as they don’t go bankrupt…..because I refuse to let anyone scare me into changing how I act or what I do.

And, talking about traveling, one of these days I will stop saying that NOTHING will stop or prevent this next trip. All of my plans have fallen through for this summer. I am going back to my old ways, just wake up, throw some clothes and Gumbo in the car and head out. Those are usually the best trips anyway, cause I am not bound by any time frame other than mine.
Gumbo the magnificant.

One day I may do a meetup trip and go visit each person I know from the internet….my friends at least……..just stop, say hey and head out for the next one. I have met one person face to face, that I had first met online. She is an awesome lady who has a support group for exJw and exMormons. She is a hoot. And, she is the type of person who if she thinks it, she says it. She is not a gamer. But, come to think of it, none of the people I count as online buds are gamers. They are the same 24/7 and I respect them for that.

Fruitful friends

Gal 5:22 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith,
Eph 5:9 (For the fruit of the Spirit [is] in all goodness and righteousness and truth;)

I have a friend who I met on Paltalk shortly after I joined, back in 2000. She was very quiet, at first, and rarly talked on the mic, unless there were only a very few people in the room. Slowly, over the next few weeks she opened up more and more, and began sharing her story of life as JW and more importantly. life as an EXJW. It was and is obvious to all who know her that she exhibits the fruit of the spirit everyday in her walk. She has been ill for awhile, but still is an inspiration to all who know her. If she did not live so far away....in Australia....I would visit her as often as I could.

Another friend I met shortly afterwards. She is young, but is wise in the Lord. She struggles to live the way the Lord wants her to live and in sharing that with us, she blesses us.

I am more thankful than you will know, or I will ever be able to explain, that I have these two friends in my life. I have other friends who are dear to me, but these two have been there from the first and I have never, in all these years, had cause to doubt them. I trust them implicitly.

Venting, a bit...

Ok, this is a vent post, so you might want to skip it. I am so tired of hearing someone say…’I am a bible-believing Christian’…..can there be any such thing as an UN-bible believing Christian? Is that extra little description really needed? Or, is it an attempt by the person making the declaration to raise themselves a tad bit above everyone else? It seems to me that no matter who the person is who says it, it is said with a certain amount of arrogance and pride. Is it truly necessary to say that? This is fast becoming one of my pet peeves.

This is not a vent, but, is there a difference between socializing and fellowshipping? Can we fellowship with people we are not on the same page doctrinally with? If not, can we socialize with them. For instance, on Paltalk, if we are in a chatroom that someone has setup to talk about the price of tea in China and there are people in there who are non-christians is that socializing or fellowshipping. Maybe you can get my drift here. Don’t we as citizens of the world socialize daily with people we would not fellowship with? Then why is there such a commotion going on over this?

A dear friend came back onto Paltalk today and we had a good time talking and catching. She is one of the dearest people I know and someone I trust without hesitation. She has promised to come online more often again. I am glad because I miss her so.

Bis and pieces.....

This is just a bunch of bits and pieces, nothing worth much of anything….of anything here is. This week has been pretty slow. Still getting my things unpacked and sorted. Today my daughter brought over the latest Harry Potter (don’t bother, I KNOW it is fantasy, and DO NOT think it is evil). I pre-ordered two of them, one for my daughter in Michigan and one for my daughter in Louisiana. I figured that I would be at one or the other of them when they came in. But, I was here in Biloxi so I had to wait on it. My daughters have finished it and are waiting on me to read it so that we can discuss it. Apparently someone they both like gets killed or something because they are both saying they cannot believe SHE did that! I will read it this weekend and then we will spend Monday talking about it.

As soon as I get back from Utah next month I will be leaving for yet another winter in Michigan. I love my daughter and I love my grandsons, but I sure wish they lived closer so that I can live here and help her. But, it will only be for another winter and she will be done with school and then will be able to get a better job. Hopefully, she will also be able to move here which she has wanted to do since she left. Bless her heart.

My son, Philip, has gotten his funding for another year at Auburn. And, thank God for that. I am not sure if he would have survived not going there again. Auburn is a good school, and I was surprised to find out that their History Department is ranked very high in the standings. Phil is a history major and wants to go on to law school. He said that he wants to start a law firm with Jamie (his brother-in-law) and call it……..are you ready???? The Brothers-in-LAW. I don’t think they will use that name, and, besides, who knows for sure if Phil will go to law school. At one time he was sure he wanted to be a doctor. And, then there was the short time he wanted to be a sanitation worker. He stills gets red over that one.

All in all, my life right now is exceptionally good. My family is safe and happy. My friends are true and dear. I truly have been blessed.

Reese...

This is the youngest grandson, Master Reese Thomas, last name withheld, the day of his first haircut. And, just after finishing a cup of juice. He was born March 11, 2004. And, no, I am not going to bore you with all the details. His father says Reese is 'charmed' because the year he was born, the Red Sox beat the Yankees in the World Series, Auburn had a perfect season and it snowed on Reese's first Christmas. I think he is charmed because he is so loved. He is the only son of an only son of an only son. Think this child has a chance to not be spoiled? I am going to post pics of my other two grandsons as soon as I get some online.

Happy Birthday Michael and Jamie

Today is my youngest daughter's birthday, and also her husband's. I think their love story is the sweetest thing. And, I believe it shows that they are truly meant for each other.

My daughter was working at a bookstore in the Mall, several years ago. She is a very pretty girl and is always getting hit own. Actually, an older man who worked in the store became obsessed with her and wrote a book of poems about her, told her God had told him that she was his next wife. I called the police when he sent her one dead rose after he saw her with her future husband. He was a little more subtle after that, but he did follow her around for awhile. He finally moved on to someone else.

My daughter is named Michael and her husband's name is Jamie, well James, but his father is also James so....Anyway, they met at the mall when he came into the bookstore. He was smitten but Michael is a shy, skeptical girl and just looked at him when he asked her out. She finally went out with him after maybe the third time he asked her. I knew immediately that she was in serious love. But, Jamie was still stuck on his high school sweetheart, who would never date him. He measured all others against her and they came up short. They dated for about six months, then broke up. Michael was very hurt.

Shortly after they broke up, I took Michael's phone line and used it as a dedicated line in to my computer. She was using the house phone mostly anyway.About three years passed, during which not one word was heard from Jamie and Michael started dating another kid. I really liked this kid, but he was not the right one for Michael.

Then, Michael and her sister Connie were out at the Mall shopping and ran across Jamie. He told her that he had tried to call her but she never answered the phone. He was happy to see her and they went out with friends a few times. For some reason all of Michael's friends liked to go to Ihop. So, after about three weeks, she was to meet Jamie and his paragon there for coffee late one night. Jamie was there when Michael got there so for about thirty minutes it was just the two of them. Jamie told me later that he was enjoying the chat, and when his paragon walked in he realized that he did not want anyone else there, just Michael. And, he was totally blown away when he realized that, because he had admired this other girl for such a long time.

A few days later, Michael called me at work to tell me that Jamie had lost his mind and was talking crazy. He was in grad school at Auburn in Alabama and was calling her almost daily. And, coming home as often as possible. She never told me what it was that he was saying, but I had an idea. And, I was also ready for him if he hurt her again. Jamie was telling her he loved her and that she should be with him. He also told his mother and when she said that Michael was with someone else, he told her that Michael should be with him.

So, Michael and Jamie got married. There were mix ups with their names, but not as bad as when their son was born and Jamie was listed as the mother.God bless them. And, happy birthday you two.

My brother

My brother was a wildlife artist, ducks mostly, but he did paint wolves, a precious baby seal, eagles and at least one swan. He did one of a mountain lion and that is my favorite. He told me that he was so frustrated painting that one because he had trouble getting the eyes right. His wife told him, jokingly, that he should use his own eyes, and he did. He was able to finish the painting by using a mirror to see his eyes. The color, of course was not his, but HE is there, somehow. He always had this ‘aren’t we all just so silly’ look in his eyes. You wanted to be near him to share in the joke.

When he died in July of 2000, his wife told me to take a painting and also at least one of all his prints. The ones he had at his apartment in Ohio, anyway. Most of his paintings are at his home in Washington State. I chose the mountain lion. And, it is now hanging on my bedroom wall. Maybe it is just wishful thinking on my part, but I sometimes think he is there watching me. And, telling me to not take life so seriously, that this too will pass. There have been countless times that I have been upset over something and I go in and look at the mountain lion and before I know it, I do see things in a different light.

I would give anything to have him still here with me, but having something that he put so much of himself in is a good second choice.

Dirt Roads

I am not a planner. By that I mean that I do not make plans for the future, like vacations etc. Which is odd since I am obsessive. I am more of a 'wake up and see what the day is like and then get in the car and drive' sort of person. Which is probably a good thing this summer. So far the trips that I have wanted to make have not happened. I had to postpone the Maine trip because I needed to move and get things settled before I head back to Michigan for the winter.......yes, I know......and, I needed to spend time with family who live here.

But, I AM going to the Grand Canyon next month. I KNOW that I am going and nothing will prevent it this time. I will be taking pics too, and will attempt to put them here. I want to make and album here, but need to get a new digital camera first.

Years ago, before my mother had her stroke, she and I would put my kids in the backseat of my car and go. Every so often one of my brothers would go with us. Sometimes it was just for the day, sometimes a weekend and once for a week. We would take a lunch, or stop at one of the little country stores and buy it. I would start driving till I saw an interesting road, mostly dirt ones, and then drive it as far as I could. We got into some interesting predicaments too. Once,
we were driving out in the western part of Jackson County back around Bluff Creek. I saw a road that looked just like what we wanted. (This time we were in my brother's car) It was muddy and my brother was a little hesitant to go down it. But, pointed out all the tire tracks to show him that since other cars went down it, so could we. So, off we went. About three miles into it his car got stuck. Not just stuck, but really, seriously, insanely stuck. The mud was up on the doors so that we could not open them. He and I had to crawl out the windows. I had told him that if we got stuck that I would walk to find help. This was way out in the sticks and houses were few and far between. He took pity on me, so off we went together. We only had to walk about a half a mile till we got to a house. Turned out that the old woman living there had been my second grade teacher. Oh, and, as we walked, we noticed that all the car tracks were gone. My old teacher called a neighbor of hers who had a tractor and he came and pulled us out. Seems all those car tracks were the cars who had gone in and then had to be hauled out. The guy with the tractor was paid by the county to haul out all the silly people who wanted to go down that road. And, it was a new road, it didn't even go all the way through. It wasn't even close to being finished.

Another time, this same brother was with us. Went were in the northern part of Jackson County heading out to Cedar Creek to go swimming. Just before we got to the Creek, there was a road that angled off behind the Creek. My brother told me to drive down it and we might find a better swimming area. We we in MY car this time. Come to think of it, we never used any of his cars again. Anyway, off I went down what was really no more than a cow path. The bushes kept getting closer and closer and the trail so curvey that my brother got out and sat on the hood of my car to point the direction. We must have gone about three miles before it got too bad even for us. Then, I had to BACK out of it for almost the whole way. We were laughing so that it was hard for me to see. We finally did get to the Creek and spent the rest of the day swimming.

Some of the best trips we made were ones up to northeast Mississippi where my mother and father were born. We went all over Lee and Tishimingo Counties. We stopped and visited family sometimes, but usually we just drove around. Sometimes if we saw an interesting old house....an empty one....we would go through it.

Last time my mother and I went on a trip was to north Mississippi. She had had the first of what was to be several heart attacks and had been out of the hospital for about two weeks. I decided that I might need to take her up there at least one more time. Now, mama had a problem with medicines. She would take the meds her doctor gave her, but she also bought over the counter meds, especially cough medicine. This time she had a big bottle of Vicks Formula 44D and she took what she called 'sups' of it off and on during the day. After awhile I noticed that she was acting a tad bit odd. She was sitting in the front passenger seat and mostly just looked out the window. Then, she would shake her head and wave her hands around like she was talking to someone, shaking her head and sometimes looking rather put out. My first thought was that I had taken her about seven hours away from home and she was haveing another heart attack. Finally, I stopped the car and asked her what was wrong. She looked at me and said that she just felt weird, dizzy-like. Then, it hit me. I asked her how much of the Vicks she had taken. She looked at me, sort of, and said 'well, I took a sup and kept on coughing and took another sup'. I reached over and took the large economy size bottle of Vicks Formula 44D that she had just bought that DAY from her purse. It had maybe two ounces left in it. I held it up and looked at her and then at it. She was stoned! I got her to eat something and she started acting her normal mean ole self. I also kept the Vicks in my purse from then on.

We had so much fun on those silly trips. They would rightly be called 'drives', because that is really what we did. I miss them and I miss my mother. God rest her soul.

JWs and other stuff...........

Most people know that I was raised in a family of Jehovah's Witnesses. And, for the ones who don't I will tell you a bit about how it feels to be raised as a JW....or, you could read my page. http://cocatica.tripod.com/. There is a lot there, but there is also a lot that I can't describe in a way that you would understand. For instance, the fear. Fear is such a mild sounding word for what it actually felt like.

The underlying theme of my early life was fear. Fear of death....fear of my mother (still working on that one)....fear of just about everything. But, there was no adult to go to because if I had asked, then things would have to be acknowledged. And, that was just not done in my family.
My homelife was chaotic. It could go from people sitting around talking to out and out rage with screaming and fighting in a heart beat.

I grew up having to be aware of what was going on around me....in a weird way. I remember living in fantasies, but at the same time I knew when to get out of the way. I also thought I could fly. I have clear 'memories' of standing on the front stoop and staring out at the other kids while I slowly floated up till I could touch the ceiling. I could feel the rough wood. I know now that something else was going on....that I was remembering when someone picked me up and held me over their heads. And, then when I needed it, I could imagine myself floating up......but not quite away. At home too we had to hide what we really felt or suffer punishment or ridicule. What would so-in-so say was my family motto.

Then, there was the Kingdom Hall. We sat with the adults and heard everything they heard. However, we could not show fear. I learned early on to keep a blank face......blank affect.....so no one could see what was raging inside of me. I spent many days and nights sitting on the hard wooden chairs looking at the pictures of people running in terror from earthquakes and other major natural disasters. All the unsaved.....non-JWs.....who waited too late to come into the 'Truth'.

So, at both places where we are supposed to feel safe…….home and with Christian friends….I had to pretend that everything was just peachy. I could not ask Jehovah for help…..that never entered my mind. And, turning to Jesus was not an option. Someone said once that for a JW, asking Jesus for comfort, salvation, whatever, would be like asking Moses for those things. Jesus was only important because He took away Adam’s sin…not our personal sin. As for the Holy Spirit, how can an ‘active force’ give comfort. The WTB&TS makes it clear in many, sometimes subtle ways, that we should turn to them, not God. Not Jesus. But, was I good enough? How dare I presume to go to Jehovah with such petty things.

This is why now I try to give support to others who have been affected in any way by being members of the JWs. And, I try to warn people about the JWs. I tell people what the JWs believe, things JWs will not tell you when they come to your door. Or for that matter, they will not tell you these things sometimes until after you are baptized. And, then they might not.

For instance. JWs teach that Jesus is Michael the archangel. They also teach that He is Abaddon, from Rev 9. A lot of active JWs I talk with do not know this, or if they do, they deny it. I talked with one on Paltalk a couple of years ago. He lived in England and was married to a JW, he was studying. He had been putting off being baptized because the org disapproved of some of the things he liked to do for relaxation. Things like chess and sport fishing. He had already stopped competing in some tournaments. I asked him about Jesus being Abaddon and he was shocked. He denied it completely and got pretty mad at me for saying it. He accused me of lying. I told him to ask either his wife or an elder. He told me that if JWs did indeed believe this, he would not be baptized. All well and good, right? Wrong. The next time I talked to him he told me that he had talked with a elder at his KH and, yes, JWs do indeed believe this. Then he said that not only did he also believe it, but it was something he had known all along, but had forgotten. Sad. He eventually stopped coming to Paltalk and we lost touch. But, this happens a lot. One night a JW was almost crying with indignity at me saying that. He denied it up and down......till he looked at the literature I had given as proof. He did not have anything to say.

So, if a JW asks you if you would like a home bible study........which is not really a bible study, they study the JW literature.........tell them NO! Unless you want to start believing the things they believe about Jesus Christ. If you do, then the org is the place for you.

Grabbos????

I just moved. I am sharing a house with a friend for at least a year. I am selling my house and will still spend the winter in Michigan, so I am here until I am ready to settle again. It's a nice house, has a big yard, with banana trees, and all sorts of shrubs and trees. And, a hot tub. It is in a quiet neighborhood. And, that might be a problem. I am having trouble getting used to the house sounds, especially at night. I have stayed up late for the past three nights. till 5:30am this morning. I will almost fall asleep and then I hear something and have to get up, or at least sit up in bed and listen. The worst is when Gumbo sits up and looks around too. So far it has been branches scratching the screens or hitting the roof. But, there have been some sounds that I haven't been able to figure out. And, there is the Case of the Disappearing Dogfood. See, Gumbo has to have food and water set out, but he will wait to eat it to see what I am having. He eats what I eat, except for pears, he hates pears. Anyway, I filled his food bowl and the next morning it was empty. I looked at Gumbo and he gave me a 'it wasn't me' look. So, I filled it again. Same thing next day. But, the food dish is in the kitchen, not outside. So, whoever or whatever is eating it is able to get inside. I have looked for holes etc but so far nothing.

I remember other Grabbo times, especially from when I was little. One time my mother and brother were positive there was a snake laying by the back door. They both said they saw it move. I got a flashlight and looked. It was a belt. At the same house, everyone but me said they heard weird music. I never did. The house was one of two houses sitting at the end of a dirt driveway. The house next to us was empty. The next closest house that had anyone living in it was about a block away. So, it could not have been their music my family heard. Let me add too, that this house was about fifty feet from a graveyard, but there were no graves that close to us.

The only thing that happened there that I believe, but didn't see, happened to my oldest brother. James worked at a bakery and had to be at work at 3:30 am. When this incident happened he was there alone. The rest of the family had gone to visit my stepfather's family. James said that he got up one morning and while he was getting ready he heard a car or truck drive up and stop in front of our house. He heard men laughing and talking and sounds of equipment and doors banging. He didn't think anything of it because we had been told that the city was soon going to clear the trees and make the road go all the way to the next subdivision. He finished getting ready and went out to get in his car......he had a 1932 Ford Roadster that he had to crank....and there was nothing, not a car, truck or anyone, out there. He swore that he had heard this. He also said that he had never cranked that thing so fast before.

My mother used to say she saw dead people. I never believed that, but one time I came close to believing. I was about fifteen and was sitting on the front porch reading. It was about 4pm on a cloudy day. Mama had been inside taking a nap and came out onto the porch. She looked like she had seen a ghost. She said that her mother, who had been killed when my mother was fourteen, came into her room, stood there looking at her then walked over and touched the things on her dresser. Then she turned and smiled at my mother and walked out the door. My mother had had a dream and it seemed real to her, this I am sure of, but it had scared her big time. She went around for days afterwards talking about how her mother was not happy with the way my mother was living her life. I wondered then and now why my grandmother's ghost needed to walk out the door. Why not go through the walls?

No, I haven't lost my mind. I do not believe dead people are coming back to talk to us or tell us where they hid the family fortune. I know that my mother, especially, was mentally ill. She had no way of getting therapy first because she was a JW and then, because of where we lived and the times we lived in then. No one we knew did, unless they were sent to Whitfield (the state mental hospital). I have wondered a lot about how her life would have played out if she had been able to get therapy. I believe that her life would have been totally different. And, so would ours, her children. Oh well.

I think I will stop and pick up some Tylenol PM. I think a good nights sleep would be good for me right now.

Scarlet letter anyone???

I have read some of the blog that the pedophile who killed the people in Idaho and took the children wrote. I don't know why I did. It made me sick. He spends so much time blaming others for what he himself did. He also says he was molested as a child, which brings me to my question........Are pedophiles born or made? I know that all people who were molested as children do not molest children when they are adults, or a teenager the way this guy did. What is different between the person who goes on to molest and the ones who don't?

I believe my father molested my second oldest brother, and often. My brother molested his own children, his oldest son and at least one of his daughters. His oldest son is in prison now. When he was sixteen he raped a girl. I don't think he knew or still knows the difference between consensual sex and rape. In his world 'no' did not mean no. While he was out on bond he tried to kill my mother. His father hid him for several days. My brother felt that what his son did was wrong, but not wrong enough for any consequences.This brother died in 1989. His son was allowed to come to the service. That is the last time I saw my nephew.

I have been told that my father started drinking when he was thirteen or fourteen. He went to spend some time with his uncle.....his father's brother. His father had had a falling out with his brother and so did visit. But, my grandfather did not mind his children seeing him. Family rumor has it that the falling out happened when my grandfather found out his brother fancied men more than women. No one knows for sure what happened during that visit. But, my father was an alcoholic from then on.(Let me stop here and say that I am not saying that I think that just because someone is gay that they will molest a child.)So, we have my father the only son, with everything that entails......future of his father's name, etc.....he spends time with a possibly gay uncle and comes home an alcoholic in the making. Did my father realize the he also preferred men? Was he molested and felt guilty. Or, was he molested but enjoyed it and did not understand his feelings. He could have started drinking to stop the feelings of both guilt and pleasure. Add being a Jw to this. As a JW he would have been trying to work that sin off.I would almost be surprised if he had NOT become an alcoholic.I believe that my father experienced some sort of sexual trauma as a young teen. He went on to molest at least two of his children.

I know that there is a spirit of fear and also of secretiveness among the Jws. I believe it was worse when my father was young. They literally went to bed most nights wondering if that was going to be the end. My father was born in 1914 (we {the family} used to joke that he was mean because that was when Satan was cast to earth) and grew up as a JW whle Rutherford was president of the org.

I have few memories of my father that he was not drunk. Most of the time he was too drunk to stand. I remember that he went as long as six months once without drinking. My parents divorced when I was eight. My father moved away shortly after that and I did not see him again until I was sixteen. The cheap wine was destroying his mind by then. I remember feeling sorry for him. For the way he was living. He was a neat man and kept his space clean and neat even when he was living in rooming houses. Funny though...I seem to have more memories of the different rooms he lived in than him.He kept drinking and his health worsened. His mind left him first. He died December 31, 1974.

Well, I certainly went off topic a bit. But, the question is still there. Why do people sexually assault children? Why do some who were molested as a child go on to molest children? And, why do some..most?....people who were molested as children, never molest at all? If there is a way to discover who will molest and who won't, what should be done with the potential molestors? Castration? Chemical or surgical. I cannot think of anything to stop them. I do believe that a child molestor should get ONE chance, then he/she spends the rest of her life away from children. I have seen studies that show that a child molestor cannot be healed. They always want to molest and are attracted to children.

I am also so tired of sex offenders being released to molest and murder again. We, as parents, and just plain decent people should lobby for stronger laws. When a person is convicted of molestation, the world should know about it, even if it embarrasses or 'marks' the person for life. Maybe a tatoo somewhere conspicious on his/her body saying something like...'I want to have sex with young children'.....or.....'I had sex with small children'...I know liberals will say that it is so horrible to brand someone like this, but, so? Maybe we should bring back the scarlet letter. There you go. A big red S branded right between the person's eyes.

Hurricanes and...........

It has been such a long time since I have written anything here. I was without internet access for awhile, and I still cannot go onto Paltalk. Which is probably not a bad thing. I do better when I stay away from that pit, but I miss the friends I have made there and so I will go back. I still find it funny that some people cannot stand me, tell everyone they come in contact with that they cannot stand to be around me, tell people they feel uncomfortable to be in the same chatroom that I am in, yet follow me from room to room. It never fails, almost as soon as I go into a chatroom, here comes this person. I guess it is true, people are funny. As soon as I go back onto Paltalk, which will be when I get my computer hooked up, I will continue to go into my favorite rooms no matter what the silly person does.

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I have spent the past week or so helping Leslie move into her house. Owning a house is a big deal for Leslie. I am 'boarding' with her for the summer and then will go spend the school year with my older daughter in Michigan. Next summer I hope to either be back into my house or will have sold it and gotten a small place somewhere near my daughters. I would love to live in the mountains, but right now I cannot see how I can do that.

Leslie had planned a trip to Utah to visit her mother, then Dennis decided that he needed to come visit the gulf coast, so Leslie asked me if I wanted to drive out there with her. She was going to show me the Grand Canyon, and as many other neat things as we could see. But, about 3am Friday her mother called to tell her that her sister Marlynn had died. Leslie took the first plane to Utah. I am here batting down the hatches and waiting on Dennis.

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Well, Dennis left us alone. Mississippi was lucky this time. Of course there is another depression out there and hurricane season has just started, so we may not be as lucky next time.

When I was working, most all of us would come to the hospital to wait out the hurricanes. This mostly turned into a big party, because all of our kids and spouses (the ones who did not have to be somewhere else) would be there and all of us brought in food and soft drinks and games and movies to watch. Our department was in the clinical building which had no patients (plus, the hospital would send many patients home or, if they were too sick to o home, to another hospital).....well, ICU was on the 4th floor but we were on the 3rd.......so we did not have to worry about noise. Everyone had blankets, pillows and sometimes, sleeping bags. We would put all the kids in the conference room and make tents etc. Someone always remembered to get a TV and VCR from the medical library so we had movies to keep the kids occupied. And, the food. This wasn't just chips and cokes. This was serious food. So much food that we ate it for lunch for at least a week afterwards.

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Speaking of work.......we used to keep a running game of Scrabble going. I love Scrabble. Sometimes there might be a card game going also, but mostly it was Scrabble. As Repsiratory Therapists we had a lot of downtime. We had several things we routinely did, but sometimes we were waiting for something to happen. Waiting to respond to codes. Odd too, I never had problems with responding to codes. I think it was because everything was moving so fast that trainig took over. When I had problems with my OCD at work, it was always the routine things. And, I think it was because it was routine. I would think....'did I do that today or was it yesterday.' or...'did I put that patient back on his O2? Or was that yesterday when I did it'....I spent a lot of time checking over what I did. And, it got so bad that I was having a hard time leaving the hospital. I would go back and check on patients. Finally, in 1999 I gave up and took a medical retirement. I miss it, but there was no way I could continue.

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The attack on London this past Thursday was horrific. I have two friends who live in the London area and routinely use the Underground. They are ok. Then, today there was the explosions in Birmingham. How can anyone believe God wants them to do these things? I emailed a friend who lives in Devon and was getting pretty worried because he had not emailed me back. Then, this evening I got several emails from him. He had gone to Portsmouth and was just getting home.

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I don't talk much here about my children, but I am so lucky. My children, two girls and two boys, make me so proud to be their mother. Even when I want to choke my youngest son for arguing with me. Then I realize that he is just 'having a go at me'. My kids and I have broken the circle of the rediculousness that I was brought up in. They value each other and show that by valuing others. God has truly blessed me with my children.

Have you ever......

Have you ever wanted to write, need to write almost, but the things you have in mind to write about keep being pushed aside by different thoughts? That is what has been happening with me. Right now I am as ready as I ever will be for Dennis. I am staying home and have gotten in the water and food......potted meat, the hurricane food.

I think that maybe what the problem is, is that Dennis was my husband's name. He died in 1995, after being sick for about five years. He was finally given the right diagnosis two days before he died. He had mysenteric artery occlusion that led to an infarct. He literally had no blood flow to his intestines and had slowly been starving to death all that time. He looked like a concentration camp survivor. And, all through that his doctor was telling him that he had diabetic neuropathy of the stomach and was prescribing antibiotics. His doctor was an idiot.

The last time Dennis and I talked was the Monday before he died. I was filling out paperwork for his medical retirement from work. Dennis was an RN. He started talking about the insurance money and what I should do with it. I was totally convinced that since they had finally gotten his diagnosis right and were planning surgery that he was going to be ok. Anyway, Dennis was telling me that I should invest the money. During this his doctor came into the room and was being Mr Cool doc with his coat over his shoulder. He was making small talk........I think he only came in so that he could bill for a hospital visit. Finally, Dennis asked him if he had seen the results of the arteriogram. His doctor hadn't!!! This man was supposed to be treating Dennis and he had not even bothered to look at the tests! Another reason that I think he was only there so he could bill. Two days later Dennis went into and coma and had to be intubated. I sat by his bed till he died. My youngest son and daughter were both there too. Phil was nine. I didn't know it then, but Phil had told Michael (my daughter) just a week before that sometimes he prayed that his father would die, that if he could not get well, because at least then he would be out of the pain. And, Dennis had had a lot of pain.

Michael told me what Phil had said about six months later when Phil was beginning to act out. That answered a lot of questions for me and showed me how to deal with Phil. I finally made him realize that he did not have to feel guilty for saying that.

Dennis was a quiet man. He had a few close friends, but he did not make friends easily. He also had a wonderful dry wit. Not everyone got that wit though. He worked in ICU which can be very stressful. One night a patient was looking puny so Dennis called for Respiratory Therapy to do a blood gas. The tech, who was not easlily amused, came in with a co-worker and drew the blood. She went to get the results and the other tech was at the patient's bed doing other things. Housekeeping came through and mopped the area, but forgot to put up a Wet Floor sign. The first tech came hurrying back with the results of the ABG, hit the wet floor and slid halfway under the bed, meanwhile knocking tech knocking her over onto the patient, her ather large boobs on each side of his face. (the patient was alert enough to laugh, with the tech's huge boobs were on each side of his face). When the dust settled, the first tech was laying on the floor holding the results of the ABG in the air. Dennis walked over, said ..'I'll take that'....took the results and walked off. The tech was furious at Dennis, but that became a story for slow nights when people were trying to stay awake. Dennis always told about the time I backed the car over his foot..........a long story that I will save for now.

I worked at the same hospital. It took me several weeks to be able to go into ICU again, especially at night. One of the sweetest things the other nurses did was to post what stories, etc about Dennis online so Phil would know how much his father was loved and missed.