Stuff

Phil has to dress in his 'good' clothes for work and he does look sharp. However, he seems to think that you wash one outfit at a time. So, I took pity on him and have started washing his clothes for him. (He and I came to an understanding when he was a senior in highschool. It was time that he learned to do these sorts of things.) He also thinks that he should not empty his pockets before he brings his clothes to the washroom. I did try to tell him why he needs to....ink pins for instance, are bad news in a washer. And, since I don't want his clothes to be ruined, I empty the pockets. So far this week I have gotten $36.87. I have a jug that I use for change and every so often he will count the change and tell me how much is there. He does not realize that three-fourths of that is what has come from his pockets. I am saving for a new computer.....

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I think it was about twelve years ago that my OCD decided to let me know that it was still here. I had been doing good for several years with only minor flair ups that I could deal with. Medicine has never helped me, and I have tried a lot of different ones. I have been med-free for over three years now, except for an occasional xanax when the anxiety got too bad to handle.

I have been able to live very well with OCD with anxiety, I think mainly because somewhere in the back of my mind I realize that when an 'attack' is over, I will laugh. Laughter has gotten me this far in life. Well, laughing at myself anyway.

When I have a bad day, it takes forever to get things done. And forget leaving the house. If I have to, and it usually has to almost be a life and death issue, I have to start about an hour before I really need to leave. I have thrown away a countless number of pots and pans and clothes and utensils. Bleach is always on my shopping list.

Usually though, my life is just a series of tics and rituals. I count words and numers by twos and it has to come out even. I even things, like whatever is on tables etc. Sometimes I swallow till my throat is sore.....I mean, dry swallowing, without having eaten or drinking anything. I rarely do that, but when the urge comes over me, it is a hard fight to resist it.

Sometimes, when I am driving, I will go around the block or turn around and go over where I have just driven to make sure that I have not hit someone. A friend told me once that one day I will turn around and go back and then think that I hit someone on the way back so I will go back over that route and then think that I hit someone THAT time and turn around.......well, you understand. One day I may just turn into butter.

And, now, with the computer and stores that deliver, people who have agoraphobia do not have to fight it if they don't want to. They can pay bills, buy practically anything they want over the internet, and have their groceries delivered. I don't have agoraphobia. I don't have a problem with being outdoors. My problem is believing that the house and everything in it is ok......so no one will be hurt.